Tuesday 18 May 2010

No sex please we only just met

There are certain occasions, like before you've reached fifth date (should you choose to subscribe to that bizarre notion), when you need to lock up your lady bits and hide the key somewhere you will NOT be tempted to fish it out from. This has never really been my strong point so I did a little canvassing on ways to ensure you don’t do the deed. Here are some of my findings:

THE SUPERHERO

The theory: Think Lady Gaga underwear-as-outerwear, think 21st century chastity belt, think SUPERHERO PANTS! Yes this is my favourite shag-avoidance strategy, as practiced by a good friend of mine, where you layer your underwear up as follows: knickers (we're not Paris Hilton), tights (think 1000 denier not seamed stockings), MORE knickers (why oh why?) hoping that the fear of having to explain your eccentric undercracker arrangements will be enough to douse your raging libido.

The verdict: It doesn’t work. Apparently he ripped both pairs off with his teeth! On second thoughts – sounds like a success to me!

HIRSUITS YOU

The theory: Self-explanatory really...ditch your razor, axe the wax and embrace your inner wookie. Julia Roberts did it, now you can too. With so much body hair you'll never dare to bare and once you've bagged your man's heart you can zip down to the beauty salon to be de-furred before hopping into his bed.

The verdict: It doesn't work. And if he is particularly hairy you may find yourselves velcroed together in the morning. Get that salon on speed dial.


PARENTAL MISGUIDANCE


The theory: Simple. You're 30 years old and you live with your folks. No way in hell are you bringing that super hot but oh so unsuitable man home for a spot of how's your father under your actual father's roof. Na ah.

The verdict: It doesn't work. Believe me. Here are some bad things that can, and have, happened when you sleep with men in your parents house.

1) Ma and Pa are out. They have a much bigger bed. It seems like a fun idea at the time until your dad finds another man's pants under his bed and wants to know the reason why. Do you let your mum take the blame??
2) The walk-in. It's happened to everyone (right?) but not everyone is caught in the act of watching Peak Practice over their boyfriend's shoulder instead of concentrating on the job in hand.
3) The parental love-in. You wake up to the mother of all hangovers, vague memories of a last orders desperation snog and an empty bed. That's good right? You clearly employed both the SUPERHERO and HIRSUITS YOU strategies and they worked. Right? Wrong. He's loose in your house! And worse, your parents love him and keep asking when lovely Barry is coming over again...


Ah fuck it! You know what? I live alone. My legs are shaved. I'm only wearing one pair of, reasonably presentable, pants. And I'm certainly not getting any so perhaps THAT is the answer to complete shag-avoidance!

If any of you have strategies that actually work please please volunteer them on this blog. Your shame is in a good cause.

No comments:

Post a Comment