Wednesday, 24 August 2011


Yesterday I ate an apple for breakfast.

A tiny, piddling little apple.

And I thought to myself, mmmm that was quite refreshing; I feel full now. Then I tried to eat a pain au chocolat which I later found discarded and only half-eaten on a plate of grapes (yes, grapes) on my desk. I HAD FORGOTTEN TO EAT IT.

Please understand: I HATE FRUIT. And I LOVE lard. Lard in all its magnificent lardy forms: pastries, fry-ups, clotted cream, those heart attack bars from Pret, more fry-ups. I live for lard.

I also live for sleep. I LOVE sleep. But the past two weeks has seen me waking up positively effervescing with joy only to realise it’s 3.30am and I am an idiot. I write a lot of blog posts in my head at 3.30am. They are all much funnier than the ones I post here.

So yeah: combine the whole fruit eating, insomniac thing with the fact Winter has descended in August and that Kate Winslet has been flexing her superheroine muscles rescuing-Richard-Branson’s-mother-from-a-burning-building and life seems to be taking on an air of serious unreality this week.

What next?

ps. Draw your own conclusions about the cause of all of this; my lips are sealed.
pps. Apologies to anyone who was hoping for tales of comedating from this week but I cancelled them all.

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