Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin . . .
Once upon a time there was a princess named Cinderpunzel. (Gifted! Said her parents. Split personality. Said her doctors). But despite being beautiful, and only slightly confused, Cinderpunzel was very sad.
“Oh Fairy Godmother, how shall I ever find my perfect prince when I can’t even leave the castle? These glass slippers are simply murder to walk in and besides I keep tripping over my hair!”
And with that, Cinderpunzel’s fairy godmother appeared before her looking ever so slightly dishevelled and grumpy. In fact she looked a lot like Nessa from Gavin and Stacey. Funny that.
“Why Fairy Godmother, is that straw in your hair? And grass stains on your knees?” asked Cinderpunzel innocently.
“Wotzittoyouifitis? Only I was a bit busy when you called so hurry up would you.”
“Well, you see I’ve searched the whole fairytale kingdom and I still can’t find my handsome prince . . .”
Fairy godmother could see Cinderpunzel was on the verge of a very unattractive, and time-consuming, attack of the snivels. She would have to act fast.
“Don’t cry Princess! It's obvious innit – you’ve been looking in all the wrong places! You wanna stop kissing frogs – that’s a myth by the way – and get on the internet! That’s where all the handsome princes are hanging out these days. I guarantee you that. Well what you waitin' for? Make sure you get a good photo mind - show a bit a tit like - and you'll be shacked up before you can say happy ever after. Or your money back” promised her fairy godmother with her fingers firmly crossed behind her back.
“And will they slay dragons for me? And shower me with rubies?”
“No, but they might take you for a pint. Maybe even some porky scratchings.”
“Oh Fairy Godmother that sounds simply splendid! I shan’t dally a second longer.”
And with that Cinderpunzel scampered up to her bedroom to find the perfect first date ball gown. Her fairy godmother heaved a sigh of relief,
“Bloody idiot. Doesn’t she know there’s no such thing as a fairytale ending? Still, it’ll keep her busy for a while.”
And with that she vanished in a puff of stale cigarette smoke.
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